I'm not sure if you remember me, but we met a few years ago when I exchanged A$100 for Italian Lira. Upon arriving in Italy, I was promptly informed that the Lira had been obsolete since 1999. That probably explained why the girl at the exchange was pointing and laughing at me.
The meltdown of the economy is scary. Probably as scary as an, uum, a shark attacking you when you leave your house in the morning.
But to be honest, all I really know about the economy is from year 9 economics with Mr. Perry. Before that, I thought the economy was a dragon from a Paul Jennings story. But as far as I can ascertain from Mr. Perry, teachers are poor, but in high demand. So if more people buy teachers, their price will go up. Ok, perhaps teachers aren't the best example. Let's consider hotdogs. Yoshimi owns a hotdog stand and sells them for $2 each. But on Saturday nights, after about 9pm, most of Yoshimi's patrons are highly inebriated, so Yoshimi charges $47.50 for a hotdog and an extra $10 for sauce. No one realizes because cashed up from the outer suburbs aren't aware of the real price of a hotdog, only the price of a designer flanny. Anyway, as far as I can tell Price is a function of supply, demand, and how many Vodka Cruisers have been consumed. Mr. Perry was a great teacher.
Anyway, I'm writing with chagrin, but also sympathy. I hear you're unwell. I'm assuming that a 'crisis' for an abstract entity translates to 'Bovine flu' for a human. So i've come up with a few ideas to cure you. I have tabled them below:
- Talk to some mathematics dudes, and get them to agree to make 1 = 100. That way everyone would be way more richer and stuff, and you'd be one hundred times better.
- Round all the poor people up and put them in a huge cage in some shit country, like Iceland. Then everyone would be rich, and whenever a rich guy became poor (I'm looking in your direction, James Packer) we could get a big fucking Pterodactyl or something to fly them to Iceland.
- Print more money. It worked for Mugabe.
But perhaps the best thing would be to get you a wife. If Happy Days has taught me anything, it's that when Tom Bosley was under some sort of pressure at the hardware store, Marion Ross would have some sage advice and a big bowl of strawberry ice-cream to make him feel better, and then Richie and the Fonz could get back to Arnold's to do whatever cliched things it is that '50s kids do (listen to Fats Domino probably). Anyway, the point is, I can find you a wife, and we'll call her the Economistress, so when you sick, overweight, lazy, or have a bout of gonorrhea she can whip you into shape. This is what I imagine she'll look like:
Four arms = twice the lovin'
The four arms means that she can distribute $900 stimuli to the proletariat of Australia, beat up both of the Lehman brothers and rub Obama's head all at the same time. This brings me to my next point, which is a side note,
Wouldn't it be sweet if all women had four arms?! Hint: not really. See below for answer.
Moving on, I've heard the term 'Global Financial Crisis' way to many time in the past year, especially on morning television and The View. These shows should be reserved purely for abdominal health infomercials and that hot Republican chick (respectively). Even more disturbing is that fact that this has been abbreviated to GFC. I met some girls from the LaTrobe valley once, and they used the acronym GFC, but they meant something entirely different. Trust me, these were not the kind of people to be discussing global trade or the stock market. Let's just say the G stood for 'get', the F for a word rhyming with 'woodchuck', and the C a word rhyming with "can't"... Anyway, they weren't the most sophisticated girls going around; it may have had something to do with the proximity of coal power plants to their lungs.
So I hope you get well soon, and to anyone reading this, please spend some money on shit you don't need. I mean, max out your credit cards, get unsustainable loans to buy a new house, invest other people's money is questionable business dealings. A good rule of thumb to work by is that if the person is called Tony, refers to himself in the third person, wears a ring on his thumb or can't help sniggering whenever you make a new investment with him, then you can't go wrong.
Get well soon,
RBN,
p.s. watch out before you leave your house today, there might be a shark lurking in the bushes.
˙ssoɹƃ ɐpuıʞ puɐ pɹıǝʍ ʎllɐʇoʇ ǝq p,ʇı ˙ʇ,uplnoʍ ʇı `ou ˙⇂
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