An open letter to the Chaser Team

To the team at the Chaser,

I am writing because I thought of a great sketch for you guys to do. Maybe you could fit it into your next show?

I was thinking that now you've put terminally ill children in their place, that maybe it's time that we taught a lesson to some of the other helpless people/animals who have suffered all their lives. I mean, I was watching a documentary about these kids who were born with Autism on my 42 incher the other day. It was sad at the time, y'know, I mean, imagine not being able to have normal social interactions your WHOLE life! But then Two and a Half Men came on and I was happy again (I love that show. Charlie is so funny). But thinking back on it, those kids just gave me the shits. I mean, get a life, y'know? Yeah you guys know.

I'm sure you've encountered annoying people like this. Maybe when you were at uni, or when working as lawyers, or when you flew around the world to shoot for your successful TV show. I can imagine how these people grind at you. I mean, why not stop being sick and disadvantaged and start being successful and incredibly fortunate like you guys? Those wankers.

So I thought, why limit your groundbreaking comedic genius to just ridiculing sick children? I mean, it is HILARIOUS, but you're segmenting your market. Why not make the entire fucking world think you're not only geniuses, but geniuses who are obviously not in touch with the most basic taboos in society. So, we'll keep the terminally ill children involved somehow. But let's throw in a kitten born with only two legs. Call her Sparkles and just imagine her sliding around the ground, struggling with everything from getting to her water bowl to getting through the cat-door. She obviously can't do what normal cats do - roam the neighbourhood, investigate the tiniest nooks everywhere, play with other cats. I mean, that shit's hilarious. But even more hilarious would be if she was blind as well. I don't care, I'm allergic to cats anyway, and I'm sure you've tortured one or two in your lives. Ok, so we have our terminally ill children and our blind, partially-legged kitty. Let's throw in an invalid for good measure. Brilliant.

Ok, so we have a terminally ill child, Maddy, who really wants to travel to see her invalid father (he's in a wheelchair. Gold) participate in the Special Olympics, but she can't because her family is basically broke because of the hospital bills. Here's the kicker, though, one of you guys (let's say Chaz because he looks like a rodent) comes in, ask her what her wish is, she tells you she wants to go to see the Special Olympics because her dad is participating, and you say "fuck no, bitch", get Sparkles and beat Maddy half to death with Sparkles. Luckily for you guys Sparkles still has two legs, so you have something to hold on to. You dispose of Sparkles, say "Fuck the RSPCA, fuck the Make A Wish Foundation, children and animals are all shit and gay. We are the overlords of the universe, motherfuckers". The sketch closes with vision of the father having to pull out of the Olympics because his daughter was assaulted by a rodent. Then that one of you who thinks he can write music can sing a song about how much he hates homosexuals or something.

Anyway, I think it'd be awesome funny. And I KNOW you guys will love it.

Your comedic protege,

- Someone who wishes they were as witty and in-touch as you.


p.s. There might be some back-lash from pretty much every aspect of the community. It's annoying how people get annoyed by stuff like this. I mean, it's totes hilarz. I saw your most recent apology which read: "The piece was a very black sketch. Obviously too black...It was meant to be so over-the-top that no one would ever take it seriously." If you think that one was black, this one will be like, whatever blacker than black is. Purple or something.

p.p.s. Fuck I hate it when other people don't take responsibility to not show the sketches you write on their network that won't go down well. It's obviously completely their fault for not censoring you guys. This is all their fault (I'm looking at you Amanda Duthie). You are the victims here. I mean, you guys are like Albert Einstein inventing gravity (or whatever he did. I don't believe him anyway), it's not your place to think about anyone other than yourselves. You just pump out the funny.

p.p.s. If you haven't realised by now, I'm taking the piss, and I think you're all un-funny, overrated, repetitive, attention-seeking douchebags.