I submitted an application recently to you recently for the full-time coaching position starting in 2010. I have not heard back from you, and am becoming irksome and anxious about my prospects.
So I am writing today to suggest an alternative. Perhaps instead of Senior Coach, I could be the next best thing: waterboy. I'd be awesome at it, I mean, look at all this stuff I know about water:
- Its uses include: drinking, swimming in, pouring onto stuff, housing our sea creatures, freezing and throwing at the homeless, and, uuum, adding Berocca to.
- It is composed of atoms or molecules or whatever,
- It's wet.
- Sometimes when you're drinking it, it can go down the wrong pipe, y'know, the one to your lungs, and you cough.
- One litre of water equals exactly one litre of any other liquid.
- If you drink a glass of water and no one hears you, are you any more hydrated? Hint: yes.
- A common misconception is that water is blue. Not many people realise it is in fact clear.
I am aware of the high standards your club has on and off the field (no, seriously), and so you probably want me to prove my worth in word form somehow. I shall do that in the following way:
If water could talk, and it were talking to Danny DeVito then the conversation would go something like this:
Danny DeVito: Hey water, what's happening?
Water: Yeah, just, like, covering 70% of the Earth's surface n' shit.
Danny DeVito: Oh cool, how's that working out?
Water: It's not bad, except this shark that was swimming around my groinal area accidentally bit me the other day.
Danny DeVito: Can that even happen? And if it can happen, wouldn't it happen millions of times every day?
Water: What is this 'day' you speak of? I'm just water, I don't really know this stuff.
Danny DeVito: A day is the period of time it takes for the Earth to rotate once on its axis.
Water: I don't like your tone DeVito, don't make me drown you.
Danny DeVito: I'll drink you if you don't show a little respect.
Water: Ok, let's not say anything here we can't take back. Anyway, to answer your question, no, it doesn't happen often, just the other day.
Danny DeVito: And where is your groin?
Water: Near Iceland. In my Pacific Ocean.
Danny DeVito: Iceland is in the Atlantic.
Water: Shut the f*ck up you know it all c*nt faced know-nothing f*ckwit. DeVito, more like DeShito.
Danny DeVito: That's a bit harsh.
Water: I apologise. I shouldn't have lost my temper like that.
Danny DeVito: That's okay, I would be angry too if a shark bit my crotch.
Water: What are you talking about? I don't have a crotch, I'm water. d*ckface.
Danny DeVito: If you represent all of water, then you must be all segmented, most in the ocean, but some in lakes, rivers, taps, even in people and plants and in clouds. I mean, this doesn't make any sense.
Water: Well this is just a fictitious conversation.
Danny DeVito: Touche, shall we delete the last few lines as to not bring the integrity of this letter into question?
Water: Yeah probably, but I'm not writing it. Rob is.
Danny DeVito: Oh yeah. Anyway, can I ask you some more questions?
Water: Ok make it quick, because I've gotta rain on Rob's washing in a sec.
Danny DeVito: Rob didn't hang out his washing today.
Water: This is getting very trivial. Rob seems to be using this as a vehicle to vent his frustration on me for wetting his washing. Anyway, to answer your question, a barnacle is a type of arthropod belonging to infraclass Cirripedia in the subphylum Crustacea, and is hence related to crabs and lobsters.
Danny DeVito: Wait, I haven't asked the question yet.
Water: Ok shoot.
Danny DeVito: What's it like being a cloud?
Water: Yeah it's pretty sweet, I get to float around and watch girls sunbake topless in their back gardens.
Danny DeVito: How are they sunbaking if it's cloudy?
Water: Shutup you f*ck-knob.
Danny DeVito: I didn't realise water had such a temper.
Water: Hey sorry, I've actually gotta run...
*silence*
Water: Get it? Running water?!
Danny DeVito: That is so stupid. You're not funny. Don't quit your day job.
Water: Ahh you suck. You're not funny either and you can't act. At least I sustain all of life on Earth.
Danny DeVito: Ok that's all we've got time for.
Water: Wait, are you a "small-person" or just really short?
Danny DeVito: Sorry, interview over.
Water exeunt stage left. Danny DeVito ad-libs interpretive water-dance.
Danny DeVito drunk on water. Wait a second, that's champagne! I can't quite read it, but please don't tell me it's "Danny DeVito" brand.
So as you can see, I'm intimate with my knowledge of water. Infact, my body is composed of 60% water. I bet your current coach isn't composed of 60% coach... and your trainers aren't composed of 60% train (although it would be amazingly cool if they were).
So if you aren't convinced by now, I've attached a picture of the kind of water I WON'T be distributing to our players.
Water Buffalo. Appropriately in water. Probably why they're called WATER Buffalo...
I will be distributing neither the dirty water nor the buffalo to the players. The buffalo would probably make a good stir fry or something. High in protein. I'd wash him first, though.
Anyway, please inform me of your decision a.s.a.p. because if I can get this job, I'll be able to quit my current job drilling the holes in swiss cheese. I hate the Swiss and their cheese.
Faithfully, lovingly and devotedly,
Rob Barone-Nugent
p.s. I am not a fruitcake.
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