RE: Richmond Coaching Position

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing today to make myself available for the vacant coaching position that has recently become available because Terry Wallace died or whatever.

I believe I am fitted for this role perfectly. But, you may say, you have never played a game of amateur football, let along an AFL game, let alone coached an AFL team, are you crazy?! Well, if you had done any PROPER research you would have found that I stopped playing club football after the Under 12s Fitzroy Magpies 1999 premiership season (green division). And my last game was for the Trinity Grammar 3rd XVIII when they were short one week. We lost. By a lot. I bet you're embarrassed now for asking such a silly question.

But this is not about me. This is about the Richmond Football Club. Now, I don't really follow, or even like football, but I read an article a few weeks back saying that you guys are struggling. You're the laughing stock of the AFL. Teams laugh at you. And you just get angry and flip them the bird. That's not going to win you premierships. Unless the rules change to award points to obscene gestures. And with the way the league is currently going, we'll have to wait until next years preseason for that rule to get trailed.

So what could I offer your club? I'm a cool guy, my friends tell me that all the time. They say "Hey Rob, you're a cool guy, ever thought about coaching?", to which I reply "I'll do it during the ads, remember the rule, no talking during Home and Away.". So to make your job easier, I've compiled a list of why you should hire me:

- I used to play football, so I know how to kick n' stuff.
- I watched a coach smacking his phone on the desk during a game the other day; I did the same thing when the chick from Domino's put me on hold.
- I'd probably get along with most of the players (except Tom Hislop, that guys a douchebag)
- I don't really look like Luke McGuane, but my middle name is Luke.
- I'd convince Jordan McMahon to grow his mustache back. Come on!
- I'd be by far the youngest (and hence, by the current philosophy, the best) coach in the league.
- I used to coach under 13s cricket. So i've, y'know, got, like, coaching experience. We won a Grand Final against Holy Trinity. I mean, look that shit up, it's totally true. I take most of the credit for that. I would tell the kids "bowl faster and aim it at his helmet next time. That'll learn him for hitting you for four".
- I wanna pick up Ben Cousin's run-off. They'd still be smokin'.
- I almost met John Buchanan once, and even though he coached cricket, it's an Australian sport, and he's probably taller than Terry Wallace.
- Football!

I will hire my friend Paul as a manager (he just bought his own apartment, so he could use that as his office), and you can put an offer to him. I'd like at least the $16.64 per hour that I currently earn. PLUS sick leave. And, like, bonuses for kicking goals or whatever it is that coaches do.

Thank you in advance.

Rob Barone-Nugent