An open letter to SEN 1116AM

To the unscrupulous, untalented, self-absorbed, puppy dog killing, satan worshipping, ice-cream melting people at SEN (this means you, Kerry Lambert),

How are you? I hope that in between your ill thought out viewpoints and sensationalist sports coverage which invariably panders to the lowest common denominator, you would remember informing me that you'd use a writing of mine. Perhaps not, I understand that you receive countless bland, recycled jokes via email and text message. (I understand this because you, in your infinite production wisdom think that it's good radio to churn out this verbal diarrhea instead of anything meaningful).

But hey, I agree, it's not like I'm a particularly witty or funny person. But for some reason (one too many Blue Hawaiians I think), I thought it'd be a good idea to get a viewpoint from someone who might appreciate sport-oriented satire. And wow, Kerry Lambert (before I forget or find something better to do than beat my head against a brick wall of gutter journalism, thanks for having a sexually ambiguous name, I don't know what to refer to you as. Don't you hate how most insults are sexually exclusive?), producer of The Good Oil (which, even by SEN's pitiful standards, is mind numbing. I suggested during the 2020 summit that it be used as a more humane form of torture in terrorist prisons. Kevin Rudd didn't agree that it would be more humane. By the way, don't you hate terrorists?) thought it would be cool to slip this writing in a more light hearted segment during the week. Let me point out a few things for you, Kerry:

a) The letter I submitted was not intended as a joke. I find it demeaning that you thought so. You obviously have no idea of how business dealings are done. I bet you got your job because your rich step-dad wanted you out of the house. "Stop watching Judge Judy and eating microwave pizza, you deadbeat, get off the couch and find a job. What kind of step-son are you?" to which your mother would reply "he's actually your step-daughter. But don't worry, I get confused as well. Why'd I give her such a shit name?". "Kerry no want job" you'd say. "Get a freaking job, this room stinks and I think you're getting rickets because you haven't left the house in years." "Kerry no like sunlight".

b) Apparently you, again in your infinite wisdom, thought that better radio would be a 15 minute discussion of the pros and cons of various over-budget, poorly written TV shows (which may or may have not included Friends and Lost. The smokin' hottie I was listening with tells me I went in to a vegetative state about 45 minutes into your show. I consulted a doctor, and she told me it's a common ailment. Apparently the DRI of shit radio is about 6 minutes per day. Any more than this is considered dangerous levels. The ACMA is investigating.) You seem like you have the same brilliant entertainment mind as the writers of Till Death and K-Ville. (For the record, K-Ville is about two fresh, cool, badass cops roam the street of New Orleans. They’re so different, one’s black, one’s white, their cultures collide into one exciting, drama filled stereotyped hour!).

And I know, I know, this has been written in anger, and is clearly not in the same vein as previous correspondence that we have had. But, after all we've been through Kerry, I think that this is also good enough to not make it onto your show. That's 2. File them away. But just because I like ridiculing you so much, I might stretch this out a little further. So I've compiled a list of people named Kerry that I like more than you:

- John Kerry, (he may have looked like a horse and been a politician, but at least he doesn't capture stray cats and electrocute them in some weird sort of sado-masochistic ritual.)
- Kerry O'Keefe,
- Kerry O'Brien,
- Kerri-Anne,
- Kerry Packer (see where I'm going with this?),
- Kerosine,
- Kerry Seinfeld (that was his name, wasn't it?),
- Kerry Airport (yeah I like a fuckin' airport more. Deal with it),
- Kerry Group (Apparently this is some sort of food conglomerate in Ireland. They make bread crumbs. Seriously.)

And so ends my diatribe. I hope you enjoyed it as much as you obviously enjoyed my previous work, feel free to not use it as well

Your friend,

RBN

p.s.: I want my original letter back. You have no right to it. Please return it via email, delete it from your inbox and wash your eyeballs.

p.p.s.: To be honest, I didn't listen to all of your show. So if it turns out that you actually did use it, please replace the words "sexually ambiguous" with "a wonderful name, I once knew a man/woman named Kerry. I loved him/her", and the words "ice-cream melting" with "ice-cream distributing". How much do we love vendors of ice-cream?!

RE: Richmond Coaching Position

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing today to make myself available for the vacant coaching position that has recently become available because Terry Wallace died or whatever.

I believe I am fitted for this role perfectly. But, you may say, you have never played a game of amateur football, let along an AFL game, let alone coached an AFL team, are you crazy?! Well, if you had done any PROPER research you would have found that I stopped playing club football after the Under 12s Fitzroy Magpies 1999 premiership season (green division). And my last game was for the Trinity Grammar 3rd XVIII when they were short one week. We lost. By a lot. I bet you're embarrassed now for asking such a silly question.

But this is not about me. This is about the Richmond Football Club. Now, I don't really follow, or even like football, but I read an article a few weeks back saying that you guys are struggling. You're the laughing stock of the AFL. Teams laugh at you. And you just get angry and flip them the bird. That's not going to win you premierships. Unless the rules change to award points to obscene gestures. And with the way the league is currently going, we'll have to wait until next years preseason for that rule to get trailed.

So what could I offer your club? I'm a cool guy, my friends tell me that all the time. They say "Hey Rob, you're a cool guy, ever thought about coaching?", to which I reply "I'll do it during the ads, remember the rule, no talking during Home and Away.". So to make your job easier, I've compiled a list of why you should hire me:

- I used to play football, so I know how to kick n' stuff.
- I watched a coach smacking his phone on the desk during a game the other day; I did the same thing when the chick from Domino's put me on hold.
- I'd probably get along with most of the players (except Tom Hislop, that guys a douchebag)
- I don't really look like Luke McGuane, but my middle name is Luke.
- I'd convince Jordan McMahon to grow his mustache back. Come on!
- I'd be by far the youngest (and hence, by the current philosophy, the best) coach in the league.
- I used to coach under 13s cricket. So i've, y'know, got, like, coaching experience. We won a Grand Final against Holy Trinity. I mean, look that shit up, it's totally true. I take most of the credit for that. I would tell the kids "bowl faster and aim it at his helmet next time. That'll learn him for hitting you for four".
- I wanna pick up Ben Cousin's run-off. They'd still be smokin'.
- I almost met John Buchanan once, and even though he coached cricket, it's an Australian sport, and he's probably taller than Terry Wallace.
- Football!

I will hire my friend Paul as a manager (he just bought his own apartment, so he could use that as his office), and you can put an offer to him. I'd like at least the $16.64 per hour that I currently earn. PLUS sick leave. And, like, bonuses for kicking goals or whatever it is that coaches do.

Thank you in advance.

Rob Barone-Nugent